solid air

I made a deal with Loren last night. This way we are both either A. successful, B. go down in flames together. Feels good someone else is in the exactly same situation I am. I dont know how much more my dopamine levels can take so I plan on changing things up this week, since I am going to Vegas with my family anyways. One day can make a difference in restructuring your mind, kind of how one day with you... On a good note, well right now there is not much good I cant remember the last time I had a good laugh or a good feeling. I am quite pathetic right now and need to fix it over night, I cant be miserable around my family because my mom is already worried about me. Which isn't good. Hopefully next time I post on here it will be something other than a depressive rant. Being sober sucks.

Sasha

I remained quite active today despite not having any actual plans. Bought a wireless router from best buy which was crowded with immense amounts of families doing last minute shopping. The simple act of shopping for a wireless adapter made me feel like part of the rush, but in reality I wasn't. I don't celebrate Christmas i don't care for it, my family is spread out around the whole world and somehow none of them ended up in California, amazing. I decided to go look for a book to buy from Barnes and Noble and stumbled upon Norwegian Wood, a novel by Murakami. I opened the book to sample its style and ended up reading the book inside the store for 2 hours straight. The wording is just amazing, the way he writes almost feels like the way I narrate my day to day routines within my head. This is one of the first time I got the chills from reading a book, the kind you get when you listen to a really good song. I connected. There was this line at the end of the first chapter that hit me like a truck, however I will not post because i do not remember it word for word, and it may sound pathetic from a third person point of view. Finished rearranging my room, ate dinner with mom, listening to DJ Sasha.

thursday

Went to glendale with family.
Went to a warehouse party where friend played good set.
It got rowdy which was cool at first, then not cool.

Letting it out like a waterfall.

Yesteday I worked from 9 to 5 as usual and had an overall productive positive experience through out the entire work day, for reasons that are not natural and I will explain later. I got home and was hit by a wave of anxiety, stress, and instead of my room relieving these symptoms after a long day at work they actually made them worse. You know that sense of relaxation that overcomes people in the winter when they are coped up in their house, I dont really know what that feels like. I couldn't stay home, i needed something to get out of that state, i proceeded to buy JD and head over to Wong's house where I came up with the amazing phrase "just let things out like a waterfall." Amazing right? Why am I so genius. Anyways I explained to David all my problems,  like a good friend he listened and gave desirable input.


Now why I talk about this event is because I myself came to a realization that I need a new outlet. Heres where I can probably go on forever and will eventually have to stop. Growing up I have always had something, ALWAYS, to put my negative and positive energy into. First it was soccer, then skateboarding in high school, and making music soon after. I had a point a purpose. A good day made these activities better, and a bad day made me put more effort into them. Music was the last of my somewhat productive outlets, in fact I cannot remember the last time i channeled my emotions into an instrument. I gave up. I cut my hair, stopped smoking weed, except occasionally of course, stopped enjoying the simple things in life. Now I listen to music i hated before, devote my time to activities that actually productive (eg: school/interning), drive a beuatiful car, am I happier? Fuck no. Im becoming a perfectionist, every thing has to be perfect, my grades, my body, my schedule, I was never like this. I may seem chill or whatever outside, but indoors I have made a relationship with amphetamines and pain killers. When i say relationship I mean like fucking married. Why you may ask? When I am down that blue pill is there to pick me up and give me that purpose I seek, gives me that mental euphoria that I got when I got a new trick down while skating, or made the perfect song. When on it, you don't need affection, sex, or sleep, you are in a happy little world of yours where you pick out little imperfections and work on them till they are just perfect. Then there is the crash at the end of the day where I absolutely hate everything, stress out about where I will be in ten years, will I live up to the expectations of my family, think about certain people, and etc. This is the point of the day where I try to sedate myself forget about shit and go to sleep. This has become my new outlet a viscous cycle of peaks and valleys. I really cannot enjoy simple activities anymore, really I cant. It is a bummer that this is where I channel my energy into because a good mood becomes a peak, a bad mood becomes a deep deep deep deeep deep fucking shitty deep valley. To sum it up, I have  a pretty decent sized problem, I dont show it outside, all though some of my friends get first hand accounts of it (Wong).

And for you, please, make up your mind and stop doing what your doing.