Letting it out like a waterfall.

Yesteday I worked from 9 to 5 as usual and had an overall productive positive experience through out the entire work day, for reasons that are not natural and I will explain later. I got home and was hit by a wave of anxiety, stress, and instead of my room relieving these symptoms after a long day at work they actually made them worse. You know that sense of relaxation that overcomes people in the winter when they are coped up in their house, I dont really know what that feels like. I couldn't stay home, i needed something to get out of that state, i proceeded to buy JD and head over to Wong's house where I came up with the amazing phrase "just let things out like a waterfall." Amazing right? Why am I so genius. Anyways I explained to David all my problems,  like a good friend he listened and gave desirable input.


Now why I talk about this event is because I myself came to a realization that I need a new outlet. Heres where I can probably go on forever and will eventually have to stop. Growing up I have always had something, ALWAYS, to put my negative and positive energy into. First it was soccer, then skateboarding in high school, and making music soon after. I had a point a purpose. A good day made these activities better, and a bad day made me put more effort into them. Music was the last of my somewhat productive outlets, in fact I cannot remember the last time i channeled my emotions into an instrument. I gave up. I cut my hair, stopped smoking weed, except occasionally of course, stopped enjoying the simple things in life. Now I listen to music i hated before, devote my time to activities that actually productive (eg: school/interning), drive a beuatiful car, am I happier? Fuck no. Im becoming a perfectionist, every thing has to be perfect, my grades, my body, my schedule, I was never like this. I may seem chill or whatever outside, but indoors I have made a relationship with amphetamines and pain killers. When i say relationship I mean like fucking married. Why you may ask? When I am down that blue pill is there to pick me up and give me that purpose I seek, gives me that mental euphoria that I got when I got a new trick down while skating, or made the perfect song. When on it, you don't need affection, sex, or sleep, you are in a happy little world of yours where you pick out little imperfections and work on them till they are just perfect. Then there is the crash at the end of the day where I absolutely hate everything, stress out about where I will be in ten years, will I live up to the expectations of my family, think about certain people, and etc. This is the point of the day where I try to sedate myself forget about shit and go to sleep. This has become my new outlet a viscous cycle of peaks and valleys. I really cannot enjoy simple activities anymore, really I cant. It is a bummer that this is where I channel my energy into because a good mood becomes a peak, a bad mood becomes a deep deep deep deeep deep fucking shitty deep valley. To sum it up, I have  a pretty decent sized problem, I dont show it outside, all though some of my friends get first hand accounts of it (Wong).

And for you, please, make up your mind and stop doing what your doing.